Lost Inside Myself

I’m feeling… disconnected. Frazzled. Lost in translation. I have plenty of time to get work done and yet I feel like, rather than work a long time on one project and get it done, I am doing tiny things on lots of projects that doesn’t get me anywhere. I had a strange sort of panic attack a few days ago. I woke up feeling fine, ready to work, but then I caught sight of a messing project I hadn’t intended to work on yet and I just felt everything start to spiral out of control… the feeling only lasted a moment but it was unnerving. Later in the day, as I was listening to music and about to switch over to a new project, I got another attack – this time imagining that the police were going to break down my door and arrest me for this, that, and the other thing (dragging me away à la a gypsy to the gas chamber). Completely irrational, lasting only a moment, but highly unnerving. The last moment came as I was laying down to sleep and imagining various story lines (as I always do in those moments). I do not know where the thought came from but suddenly I was in great fear that I could die at any moment. A moment that left me shaking in complete fear but then disappeared in the next tick of the clock.

I have no idea what brought on these moments or why they came and went so ephemerally, but the affects have shown to be lasting in that I have yet to really return to myself. Everything around me seems disjointed, like all I have to do is get up and ‘straighten things up’ but I just… can’t. It’s right there behind the door but I can’t find a knob to open it and so we just stare at each other through the little glass window. Little bits of focus and concentration and skill and problem solving are leaking out through the cracks but the flood is held back by something I can’t seem to fathom. I figure, perhaps it is this damned weather craziness as it always affects my health this time of year, or perhaps something inside of me is revolting for a break from the constant needs and demands I place upon myself. I suppose it is time for a day of rest, not to reevaluate and restructure, but just to rest and enjoy whatever may come. Hopefully, this too shall pass in the same momentary way that it came about… cause I have a lot of work to do! 😉

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Lost Inside Myself

  1. Diana Plopa says:

    I’ve been there. My experience has shown me that it usually means you need to slow down just a little bit. Perhaps things have been moving too fast of late, and your brain just needs a day to play catch up.

    Or maybe… more regulated sleep? 🙂

    I’m here if you need… anything.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *