Life
The world through my eyes
The world through my eyes
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This started out as a letter to my friends one day when I was basically having a nervous breakdown (which is why the beginning is written in a different fashion than the rest) and I just kept adding to it as time went on. At this stage in my life however, I don't feel the need to continue with it and will probably never add anything else. Yet it is still a big part of who I am and something that gets many people thinking (good or bad thoughts, to think is always good) so I am leaving it up here as a sort of history. A lot has changed since ALL of this was written too so please don't take anything in here as who I am right at this moment. The past does shape you into who you are today, but that doesn't mean everything is the same. So read it and think about it...or laugh at it, I don't care. Its not here to get sympathy or criticism, its just a look into my past. My HistoryThe correct place to begin is when I first met Heath, that is when my life changed forever. We have all wished, at one point or another to change our past, perhaps me more than others, but it is a dream that will never come true. Somethings we just have to accept and deal with or they will break us down forever.I don't understand why I have waited until now to write this, maybe because I am tired of falling asleep in tears or maybe I am sick of being a scapegoat. Or maybe, just maybe, its cause I want the people I love most to understand. Many people have noticed the drastic change in my moods lately. I can be happy one day and depressed the next, but those days when I appear happy, I'm really not. It is only an act so that others don't have to worry about me. Truth be told, only five people can truly make me happy: Shell, Heath, Nate, Chris, and Bivour. Some of you probably think that I am over-reacting, but this is what I feel needs to be done because nothing else has worked. The only way left is to come right out and tell you everything, everything as seen through my eyes. Some of you will probably not like what's said in here, but it needs to be said. HeathWhen Heath came into my life, I was so very happy. One of the true times I have been. He gave me a feeling of being needed, and he still does sometimes. He showed me what unconditional love really was. During the short period that we were friends, I had a great sense of comfort just knowing that he cared about me. These "heavy" feelings might have seemed to come on quickly, but they actually had a lot of time to develop. I had liked "Heath" for about three years before I even met him. I had dreamed about him during those three years (yes some of you are thinking I am being corny and laughing, but its true.) The last dream I had of him was the day before I first saw him, I thought I was still sleeping. But then it clicked in my head, he was the one in my dreams.Those dreams weren't about love or happiness, most of them were about sorrow and depression. And thinking about it now, I was getting a look inside Heath's mind as well as mine. One of the dreams I remember most, because it actually happened, is when I was at the Homecoming dance with "Heath" (didn't know his name at the time). While dancing, he turned and walked into the crowd. I ran after him and ended up in the Lake of Snakes (ask me later). When I turned around I was back at the dance and "Heath" was kissing me. Now that I type it all out, I realize how closely related that symbolism was to our relationship. When I first tired to talk to him, I found it very difficult. I remember clearly the first time he spoke to me, we had a Biology assignment to find out something about each person in the class. He came up to me and asked for my answer. I told him "I hate rules", he wrote it down and started to walk away. I was still nervous about it, but I called after him, "Heath, what about you?" He turned, gave me a slight smile and said, "My dad lives in North Carolina." After that it was easy to talk to him. We talked almost every day afterwards. I found him to be exactly the way he was in my dreams. Very attractive, a smartass, and rather intelligent. Yet, the real him was so much more. If perfection were possible, then in my eyes he would be it. Well, at the time he would have been. When we started talking online, it was even better. The night he asked me to homecoming, I was so caught completely off guard that I almost fainted. The next day when I saw him, I could not contain my excitement. I think that day was the first day I really thought about asking him out. I admit that that day I did drop my friends and hang out with him. I wish I hadn't though, but I can't change that now. I also admit that during my whole relationship with Heath, I stood by his side for two reasons: one just in case he ever needed anything and two because I was afraid that if I wasn't there it would all be over. The last one can be taken in many ways though. I know better now. Even though it's to late, I still learned. On September 26, 1999, I never expected what happened to happen. Josh, Heath, and I were at John's house most of the day and most of the time I sat behind Heath, kissing his neck. When we finally left to take me home, I could tell that something was up. In the car, I continued to kiss his neck. As I made my way up his neck, he turned suddenly and kissed me. His hand ran down my inner thigh, under my skirt to (you can guess where, which he apologized later for) and we stayed like that, locked, for a few minutes. When we finally parted, we just looked at each others eyes, kind of surprised. When I finally got up enough courage to ask him out, I spent the whole day thinking of the perfect time to do it. Of course, I never did and ended up asking him out online that night. It turned out to be easier for me to do it that way because I was so scared he would say no. When he said yes, I almost fainted in relief. I thought it was funny when I learned that he was planning to ask me out at Homecoming. I guess I beat him to the punch, but it made me feel good knowing that he would have even if I hadn't. When the next day finally came, I gave him a hug that seemed to last forever. I didn't want to let go. Why? Because I had finally found the one and only thing in the world that could make me feel like me. Hey I was a naive kid at the time. When we finally did part, I had a newly restored feeling of belonging. I spent that day in heavenly bliss, it was one of the best days of my life. The rest of those six and a half months seemed like a blur of happiness and sorrow, of fights and tickle fights. Everything mixed together. The thing that almost no one knows is that we actually broke up about five times over the course of that period. The longest time was for a day, the shortest was for about an hour. It would almost always happen on a school night so he would end up coming over the next morning, crying, and telling me that he loved me so much that he couldn't live without me. That put a lot of mental strain on me as I never knew what to expect or what to do. The time it happened for a whole day was the day before we were going to see my grandma's grave on the one year anniversary. I asked him to come along and he agreed. During the car ride I got so upset just looking at him that I started crying. My mom thought I was crying because of my grandma. Which was partially true, because I was already very upset, having Heath there just made it worse. During that time a song came on, "Amazed" by Lonestar. It made me cry harder because it talked about the way I felt for Heath. I grabbed his head phones, pulled them off, and made him listen to it. When we finally got to her grave, I stood at the foot of it and looked down. I was to upset and weak to do anything else. I was shaking badly, when Heath came up behind me and took my hand I got a little nervous. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Jenny will you go out with me again?". I was in shock, my first impulse was to move from where I was standing though. I looked back into his eyes and I of course said yes. The night before that he told me to write a note to him about what I was feeling so I did. It was six pages long handwritten and covered with tears. Here is that note, unabridged right down to the number of o's in the last so:
Of course we never did start over, Heath said we didn't have too. On the phone that night Heath had told me to listen to our song and to hold JR (his childhood teddy) while writing and then go to sleep, I did. I gave him that note the next day in the car. Heath told me once that he would love me unconditional no matter what happened and that kept me going through a lot of things. One thing I well always remember is the first time I saw tears in Heath's eyes. He cried in front of me countless times but three I remember most. One was when we were re-arranging his room. He was sitting on his floor and just started crying. I was shocked, I didn't know what to do. I tried to comfort him, but I ended up crying as well because I didn't know what was wrong. Another time was when his mom and Mike were arguing and he got involved. I was standing in front of his bedroom door when he walked up and pushed me inside. Then he just latched onto me and cried. I held him for awhile, its all I could do, then we left for a walk. But the one I'll remember most (because it was my fault) was at my birthday party. Heath got mad at me and stormed off somewhere. When he came back I was writing in my journal in my room. He walked in and pushed the book away, then laid his head in my lap and cried. After awhile I started to finish what I was writing (Heath should remember what it was and why). He got up, angry, then went into the bathroom and continued to cry. That night after everyone had left, I walked to his house and after crying some more, we made up. Now that I think about his crying, I am reminded of something else he used to do. Even though he will never admit to this, he did talk in his sleep. The first time I heard it I thought he was awake. We were in his room and he was lying on the bed. My dad came to get me and, thinking he was asleep, I gave him a hug and kiss goodbye. I didn't want to wake him up. But when I turned to leave, he grabbed my arm and pulled me down on the bed and held me. His eyes were still closed though. I told him I had to go and he started saying things like "Don't leave me alone" and "I don't want you to leave me". I told him that I wasn't leaving him, just going home and he started to repeat himself. I stood up and told him that I would see him tomorrow. He rolled on his side and made a few crying noises and then went silent. After awhile I got used to him talking in his sleep, but he still won't admit he does. I know Heath isn't going to like this paragraph, but it needs to be said. When I first started dating him, it was great, almost perfect. Then, when we started having sex, it kind of went a little down. I mean I had no objection, but it just seemed that he wanted it whenever he was horny and that seemed to happen a lot. I remember a time when, after having sex for about 2 hours straight, he got mad when I said I didn't want to continue. Sex is fine every now and then, but it seemed like we were doing it almost every day. It kind of lost its meaning after awhile. And since I have no end to this paragraph, I will simple say that during that time Heath never lost his title of "The Energizer Bunny" and I hope he never will. The thing I found funny over that whole period of time is the fact that I cared so much what Josh thought of him. I was re-reading my journal entries from those first few days and I usually had something like, "I hope Josh likes him" or "I'm glad Josh likes him." I do not know why I cared so much about what he thought about Heath. I loved him, that is all that really mattered to me. I guess because Josh was one of my close friends back then, I just wanted to make sure there were no problems. Besides the fact that I knew Josh had a huge crush on me and I guess I was kind of feeling guilty because I knew it was hurting him. Anyway, I got over it and I felt a lot better about it all. From then on it was like an unconscious battle between Heath and Josh. Josh would do something that made Heath mad and then Josh would get mad at Heath because Heath becomes an arse when he is mad. It was hard sometimes to decide if I wanted to see Josh or not. I wanted to be friends with both of them, but having them in the same room was sometimes like having a pack of wild dogs around a freshly dead animal. I'm surprised they didn't get into any fights. I understand that Heath can get very jealous, but it's a good thing that he doesn't take it out on the person. Another thing that happened during those six and a half months was the whole Tiffany Miracle thing. Everyone knew that she had a big crush on Heath. Because of this, there was some bad blood stirred between us during that time. Like the time when she got tickets to a concert and she was going to take Heath and I. She had three tickets, then she said her mom gave one away or something so she only had two. I told her it was ok and to take Heath. Then a few days later she was talking about how she was taking Heath and some other girl to the same concert. That made me mad, not the fact that she was taking someone else, but because she lied. If she didn't want me to go, that's fine, they were her tickets. Another thing is what happened between me and her mom. Her mom called and asked if Tiffany was at my house, I said no, but she did plan on coming over later. Her mom said she was probably at John Roe's and asked me for his number. I told her I didn't have the number and we said goodbye. Late I found that she told Tiffany I had bitched her out or something. I did nothing like that, I only answered her questions. I did say I was sorry though, I told Tiffany to tell her mom that I was sorry if I had done something wrong. I don't know if Tiffany told her or not. I still remember when Heath made me and Tiffany sit down and talk. She tried to tell me she didn't remember all the things she had done to hurt me, but that she didn't know it had hurt me. I tried to tell her I didn't care about any of it and that it was just childish in the first place. Heath was the mediator, telling me what Tiffany had told him and then talking about it or vise versa. It all seemed rather unresolved at the end. Another thing that happened was the New Years Eve Party at my house. That was a rather odd and strange night. It went ok for the first part then went down hill after me and Heath talked about something important. Destiny had, for awhile, been saying she was going to kill herself if she couldn't have one of the two guys she wanted, Heath or Matt. She said it to Heath that night and he came and talked to me. I didn't want her to hurt herself, nor did I want her to continue using it as leverage, so I agreed with Heath to let him and Destiny "mess around", not have sex, just basic fore play. Heath said it meant nothing to him about a million times, just to reassure me, but I said it was ok. We were all in my parent's room, when Josh tried to open the door, I told him to leave. He said, "I figured they were down here making out" and went back upstairs. That's when I heard him say that Heath was cheating on me. That's also the time we went upstairs. When Heath found out, he got really mad, more so because he was drunk and he walked off somewhere. We all made Josh leave, after which he call saying that he had call the cops on us (he was lying). When Heath got back, he was all cut up and bloody and he made sure everyone knew that he would never cheat on me. Nobody had believed Josh anyways. Anyway, when Heath and I finally broke up, it was the worst moment of my life at that point. Yet, it didn't seem that way at first because of all the other time's we had broken up before. Heath ended it, as usual, over the phone and then came over the next morning for school crying and said he wanted me back. After school, he said that he had 'changed his mind' and that it really was over. I tried to talk to him about it afterwards, but he wouldn't listen. That's when I knew it really had ended. I went through the basic depressed stages most people get when they break up with someone they real love, but I was fine afterwards. The first few months were the worst and I did act a little stupid, but I had just broken up with my first boyfriend and on top of that I really loved him. But I was never like Heath said I was, I never stalked him. I don't know why he says that, maybe it make's him feel more manly, I don't know, but it's very stupid. After a while, I realized that Heath didn't have to be as important to me as he had been. That's when I realized my mistake. I realized that I had cared more for Heath's happiness, than our happiness. I wrote him a long note that night and he replied with this e-mail:
It made me feel a lot better, but it didn't take away the pain. This next thing I swore never to repeat but it seems pointless to keep it a secret now. It happened at the party we went to just a few days after our break up. I know Heath will completely disagree with this, but he was drunk and he wouldn't have remembered anyway. We went to a party with Destiny and he got drunk. When he is drunk he normally wants sex and he asked me, I stupidly said yes. Not being mean, just that I was happy for any contacted with him at that time. We went downstairs and had sex, afterwards we talked. We heard Destiny upstairs yelling something like "They have only been broken up for a week!", I really don't know why it bothered her so much, maybe because she still liked Heath. That night, Heath acted as if we were still together. I know Heath knows that much, but what he said I know he has forgotten, and I know he will not be happy hearing it again. He might even say I'm lying, which he does often. But, we talked basically about us during that time and I got some answers to questions I had. I asked him why we had broken up and he said that he wanted me to get more experience with guys. I asked him if we had a chance at getting back together and he said a few things. One thing he said was that he wanted to be together, but it just wasn't working right then. Another was that maybe we could try again when we were older. The thing I will never forget is what he made me promise. He told me to promise him that I would try again later, that I would ask him out again when we were older to see if we could start over. Heath is probably shaking his head right now, but I swear on his life it's true. I have always wondered about that promise since. Should I ask? Would he believe me if I told him? In the end, I decided that I shouldn't because I knew he would say no (I can't say for sure, but I think that's pretty accurate). And I decided no because I knew he wouldn't believe me when I told him that he had made me promise too. He would have said something like "I was drunk, I was rambling" and I would answer "When your drunk, you normally tell the truth. You said that yourself." I have stopped worrying about it now. After that, a very bad thing happened to me. Up until his birthday, Heath basically used me for sex and I stupidly went along with it. He felt badly about it and told me not to take it the wrong way. I told him that I would only take it as making love if we were going out and that I understood what he meant. I don't know why I went along with it, maybe because I still loved him. But now, as I look back, it was a bad decision. Around that same time another very bad thing happened. I had just met up with an old guy friend of mine who I hadn't seen for awhile and I went over to his house. The next day or so I snuck out of the house to go see him. We went to his house and watched television. We ended up kissing and as you can guess we had sex, I agreed to that. The next time I saw him, he didn't ask, he just assumed that I would. I told him that I didn't want to but he didn't listen and he didn't stop. When I told Heath he actually got mad at me and said that he couldn't forgive me. He was mad at the guy yeah, but he was mad at me for not telling him. He should have understood how hard it was to say something like that. That's something I could never forgive either of them for. DesaraeThe next thing that happened was at Heath's birthday. That's when the whole Desarae thing got started, she is Destiny's sister. Heath had known since Desarae got back that I had liked her, I told him myself, we even had a talk about it. Then on his birthday, he said that he liked her. It was Heath, so of course, I was willing to give her up for him. Now that I look back, I was being stupid again, but at that time, I did not know that she was bisexual so it didn't really matter to me. Then at the party, when I founded out she was bisexual, I ended up asking her out before Heath and she said yes. Yet I still didn't care if she went out with Heath, as long as she would let me go out with another guy too, which is what we agreed on. So when we were lying on his bed, I got them kissing. Even though Heath says it would have happened anyway. I doubt that because, Desarae didn't even know Heath liked her until I told her. Anyway, soon after, Heath said that Desarae wanted to break up with me, thinking he was lying (because I knew how he felt about it) and not believing anything unless it comes from the mouth of that person, I didn't believe him. I did listen, however, when I heard it from her. I wrote Desarae a note saying that she didn't have to worry cause I was fine as long as they were both happy. Heath thought that I was going to cry and be really upset/mad about it, I wasn't.After that, things with Desarae and I went down hill fast. During that time, I noticed that Heath always seemed to be in a bad/depressed mood, or at least that's just the facial expression he had all the time. My opinion on Desarae had changed so much over such a short time. In the beginning I thought she was a great person and I like her a lot. But in the end she became sort of my arch enemy and my opinion was that she was 'a sluty, lying, wanna-be gangster bitch, that was jealous, possessive, and full of herself'. Completely opposite of what I thought at the start. She was very possessive of Heath whenever I was around. She got totally pissed at him just because he smacked my ass one time. Every time I would try to talk to Heath about anything, she would get all pissed and leave the room. She claims that I was always hanging all over him and that I would always ask for a big kiss and such, which I didn't. She considered a hug to be hanging on someone and I only ask for a small kiss on the check from Heath when I was upset about something (I found it comforting and still do). The weekend that changed everything started on Friday June 16, 2000. We all went to Heath's grandmothers that weekend: Heath, Desarae, Kevin Calvert, and I. Heath had invited us all, I bet Desarae was pissed that he invited me, and that made me smirk. When I showed up at Heath's house like I was supposed to, she slammed the door in my face and locked it, yet she forgot that I had Heath's house keys so I opened the door myself. She was sitting on top of Heath when I walked in so of course he couldn't get up and hug me. The first night we were there she basically told me and Kevin to fuck off. Kevin didn't like her at all, he thought she was annoying. We went to the beach that first night, Heath and Desarae went back to the house and Heath returned alone. Kevin said he could tell he was mad by the way he was walking. We had an interesting talk about Heath while they were gone though. Kevin said that I was the first real girlfriend that Heath had. He said the others didn't count because they had only lasted for a few days and that Heath never really understood the meaning of love until he meet me. He said that the only girl he had seen Heath really happy with was me. I trusted him considering he had been Heath's best friend for like five years. He also talked about how much he hated Desarae. He wanted Heath to break up with her so that he would be happy again (Heath I mean). Kevin and I both knew that he wasn't happy, you could tell by the way he acted whenever she came around. When we all sat in the house that night I playfully smacked Heath in the arm and she said not to touch him, so I did. She got totally pissed and started screaming at me. Kevin told her to sit her ass down and shut up, that's when she left the room. It was great. The next day the rest of the gang came over and we sat in the front lawn. I was talking to Kevin and out of nowhere Desarae and Bobby told me to shut up and said that I wasn't important at all. After that I talked to Heath and he said that she wasn't jealous. He said that she wasn't trying to make him choose her or his friends, which she was. Then he said he didn't care about it, but he had that sad look on his face and he got up and walked out of the room. I went back and sat down with everyone and Desarae asked what I had said to Heath. I told her nothing important and she said something under her breath. Then I started talking to Kevin again. After awhile I got up and went to see Heath's mom. As I walked away, Desarae started telling Kevin that I was trying to flirt with him and that I was trying to hang on him. Bobby sat there agreeing with everything she said. That night she made me very mad. She was sitting in the living room with everyone and she was telling them some fake stories about me. She was saying thinks like I was flirting with Kevin and that I was trying to steal Heath away. She even said that I was trying to watch her and Heath have sex. After that I went for a walk down to the beach just to get out of the house. Dena, Heath's mom, apparently had a talk with Desarae, Heath, and Kevin after that. She told Desarae off from what I heard. After a while, when I didn't come back, Dena sent Kevin and John Roe after me. I met them half way and we talked about a few things on the way back. Kevin and John both agreed that they didn't believe Desarae, they didn't trust her either. After all that they got drunk when the adults left. Desarae was nice to me during that time. She said that I told her that Heath was crying last night, which I didn't. She asked him and when he said no, she actually replied with "Why would Jenny lie to me?" I almost fell out of my chair when I heard that. Soon after Heath pinched my ass and Desarae told me not to try and cheer him up cause only she could. Then Heath broke a promise to her and she got pissed. Heath was drunk so he didn't seem to care. After that we went to bed, or I should say we pretended to sleep. Desarae and Heath decided to crave a few things into Kevin's arm while I just sat there and talked to them. It was a stupid idea and after that we went to sleep. The next morning, after the parents left for breakfast, they got drunk again. Desarae wasn't in a good mood that morning and yelled at Heath to stop touching her. When I told them that the parents were home, they took off and went for a walk. When they got back I found that Heath and Desarae weren't speaking to each other, she was mad at Kevin too. I had a talk with her and she said she had had it with Heath's shit. She said he was never sweet and that he was always an asshole. She also said that all he wanted was sex and if that's it then why don't they just end it now. She said that Heath was sucking up to her and that he would really suck up to her when they got back to his house and she could leave. The only mean thing she said to me during that conversation was that if she didn't give him sex, then he'd come to me and I would. But right then I wouldn't of even thought about it. She really wanted to get into a fist fight with him, that was not a good idea. It was a good thing that she fell asleep before they got back from the beach. A day or so after we got home, Heath asked me if I had said anything to Desarae. I told him about the conversation we had and he said that she was really mad at him. Someone had told her something about him, but she wouldn't tell him what it was. She told him that it happened sometime at his grandmother's. Other than that she wouldn't tell him anything. The next day both of them forgot about their one-month anniversary and when Desarae remembered and found out that he was with me, she was furious. He was comparing her to Destiny and said that he was fed up with it all. John talked to her and she wasn't upset anymore, but it didn't last long because he said that when he went over there she didn't even talk to him. On Friday June 22, Desarae and Heath broke up. Desarae called my house and talked to Heath. She told him that someone had beat her up and Heath, of course, said he wanted to come over. She told him that if he did she would break up with him. They got into a big argument and Heath repeated what my sister had told him, that relationships couldn't work without communication. He said that she didn't trust him around me and they got into a fight about that too. Then he asked if Desarae still wanted to got out with him and she said she didn't know. He got mad and yelled at her, then he asked again and she said no. He said, "fuck this" and hung up the phone. He stormed off to the beach after that. She called back a few minutes later and told me to tell him that "since he hung up on me, I never want to talk to him again." I told Heath and had a talk with him about it all, he was more mad then anything else. After the next week, Desarae had already gone through two different boyfriends. That was the end of that part of my life. 
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