Life
The world through my eyes


Next came vacation. This was my time to escape from everything. We went to New York and Massachusetts. I had fun most of the time, yet I was still very lonely because I was the only person without someone else. My parents had each other and Cassie had Dean, Heath was supposed to come but his mom said no because he was failing school. I was happy for the time to myself though. It was my time to re-evaluate my life. We were only gone for two weeks but it seemed like a month. I missed my friends so much, but I knew I had to get away. And when I got back all the problems came flooding back to me, plus some new ones. I was happy to be home and yet I was sad that I had to deal with everything again.

One of the first big things that happened when we got back was a huge argument between my dad, Heath, and I. Heath and I had walked to John's house and then walked back cause Heath didn't want to stay. When we got back my dad was waiting for us and he was pissed. He grounded me for a week and then turned to Heath and started to yell at him. It was chaos, my dad was so mad. Heath got pissed and I was in the middle, it was confusing. Afterwards, I was sitting in my room with Heath, he said he was going back to John's and that he wasn't going to come back, ever. I tried to get him to stay, but he refused. He called John and he drove over to get him. Heath said he loved me and said that he would never permanently leave me, but he hated my dad. So then they drove off and I went back inside, then my dad yelled at me because he left.

Nothing really big happened after that. Lisa said she liked Heath. Desarae started dating Kenny and was cheating on him. She got a bruise on her back while she was having sex with someone else and she told Kenny that the person raped her. That started some big stuff. Heath was also pissed that Desarae was dating Kenny. After a long conversation with Lisa, we decided that Heath does a lot of stuff to get attention. Then Dena and Heath invited me to the mall with them and I had a great day. Heath got a crush on a girl named Liz. Dena said that if anyone ever hurt me that she would kill them, she also said she didn't like Tiffany Miracle or Desarae because they were insecure and such. I spent a lot of time with Shell during that time, that was fun. Then Shell started dating Josh and he lied to her on the first day. When I told her the truth she actually got mad and yelled at me. They broke up a few days later. Towards the end of July Heath told Desarae how he felt about her and two hours later she went out and got a new boyfriend, he was pissed.

That day I also got yelled at by Heath cause Liz had asked me about him and I had answered her. Liz asked me about him because she knew I was his ex and then when she found out he had yelled at me, she yelled at him. She said he was doing the same thing her ex was doing to her. She said that Heath was being an asshole to me because he knew I would still love him anyway. She was the only one who believed that I wasn't a jealous, lying ex-girlfriend that wanted him back. Heath was even more mad at me because she was taking my side. I sometimes think that that is why nothing happened between them, but I was grateful to her for believing in me when no one else did. Funny how an outside can see the truth when friends can't.

A few days later Desarae started staying at Heath's house and he never asked Dena. She said she was thinking about calling child services. Heath had a mental break down then and he yelled at Lisa and Tiffany Rod., then yelled at me because Tiffany said she didn't like him. That was a big argument. A few days later Dena and both Tiffany's took him into his mom's room and locked the door. They had a long talk, Heath walked out and punched a hole in the bathroom door. Next, I got yelled at by Heath again because Frost and Lee said they wouldn't do anything with him because I said I loved him. I said that while I was going out with him and I told them that if they liked him then go for it, but apparently they didn't want to. Yet, oddly enough, Heath and Frost started dating, it didn't last very long though. Heath says it was my fault, but it was really because of the distance and because Frost didn't trust him over me. He had been 'cheating' on her by messing around with other women and she trusted me, even if she didn't want to hear it at first.

The next thing that happened is that I got a few things straightened out between me and Tiffany Miracle. Tiffany called me and I was surprised because Heath had said she hated me with a passion. She said that she didn't hate me, but Desarae did (Her good friend at the time). She also said that it was Desarae who had started all the rumors and she just went along with it. We talked over some things and worked a lot of things out so that we weren't confused anymore. School started soon after that and I was happy because I would get to see everyone again. Yet I had no reason to be happy. Everything was going wrong. My friends were at war and everyone hated me. During that time I didn't talk to Heath for two weeks, actually we didn't talk to each other. Then, to my complete surprise, he showed up at my house. He said he came to talk to Dean, but didn't even talk to him. He gave me two hugs and then left.

When school started, nothing else ended, actually things got worse. Heath got more into drinking and doing drugs, a few times I was afraid he was going to die. Shell got worse too, I spent a whole day trying to talk her out of killing herself, thank goddess it worked. After that things seemed to settle down a little bit, everyone seemed to be getting along again. Then I met Jewel. She was great and I fell in love with her very easily. I introduced her to Riley, Bobby, and Kenny (the trio). We spent a lot of time together. Soon after I started dating Kenny. A lot of people got really mad at me for that. I didn't know why but I really didn't care because I was happy. I know it surprised Heath because he thought that I would never get over him. Tiffany Miracle was pissed at me because she liked him too. Jewel also started dating Riley during that time and it was a great relationship, but it ended because Riley was to confused in his head and he didn't know what he wanted.

Kenny also wanted to beat Heath up during this time because Heath was being such an asshole. I talked him out of it though. Jenny Teeple also started some stuff with Tiffany Rod. She started calling Tiffany a lot of different stuff and started a lot of rumors. It started a lot more stuff and things went downhill again. Then homecoming came along. I went with Kenny and had fun during the first half. Later I told Kenny I would be around talking to people for awhile and he said ok. I went and talked to Andrew (Bivour) for most of the time. Afterwards I had a quick dance with Riley (which is something I cherish) and then I went back to see Kenny. He was dancing with a girl named Holly and she wouldn't let me dance with him, in fact she wouldn't let him go. I was a little mad, but I got over it. Over the next few days she really tested my patience. She went around and told everyone things like: Kenny broke up with me at the dance, Kenny asked her out at the dance, Kenny was all over her all the time, and so on. Now considering that Kenny didn't break up with me for a while after that and he was not the type to cheat, it's not possible. Besides Kenny is never all over someone, not even me and we were dating. I wrote her a very nasty letter to get her to shut up and she had one of her friends come to me saying she was all sad and that she didn't mean to hurt me, blah blah. I told said friend that she shouldn't spread rumors then, but did say I was sorry if I hurt her feelings, I was only repaying the favor. After Kenny and me broke up, on very good terms, they did started dating. By that time I didn't care anymore.

Josh's party

Kenny broke it off with me at Josh's party, which brings me to a very interesting part of my life. Josh's party changed a lot of things. It was supposed to last all weekend and things got really out of hand the first day. Everyone went and everyone was drunk. The first night Desarae showed up and French kissed Heath in front of everyone. Apparently they had a little fun too, which was surprising because Heath was taken. Then someone started saying stuff about her and Heath got pissed. He tried to start a fight and put some holes in the walls. The next morning Jewel and I showed up. I spent the day with Bivour (whom I had invited) and towards the end of the afternoon we ended up kissing, we got together soon after that. I was really happy because I like him a lot. But that night was very bad. Heath got really depressed and sat outside crying. Me, Tiffany Rod., Jewel, and a few others tried to calm him down but he wanted his girlfriend, Lauren W. I went inside to get my jacket and Josh had all the guys sitting in the living room talking. I asked what was going on and Josh said something about Heath being dangerous. I told him if he tried anything at all, I would personally cut off his balls. They told me to go bring Heath inside, I said, "fuck you" and walked out. I had only a few options then: take Heath inside and let them attack him, take him inside and tell him not to go around them, or tell him he can't go inside in which case he will want to know why.

So I took him inside and told him to go lay down. But Josh tricked him into going into the living room. The guys tackled him and tried to tie him up, while Josh started to strangle him. I walked outside because I knew I couldn't do anything without being hurt myself. Bivour was outside too, he said he would have no part in it. I started crying because I knew if I had tried to stop it Josh would have knocked me out. After a few minutes I went back inside and Heath was gone. I found that he had broken four zip ties from his wrists that were behind his back and took off running. Everyone went looking for him, but I stayed by the house. He only had two options, go home or come back. Sure enough, he came back and demanded a talk with everyone. After that Jewel took him home. I told Shell to stay behind and watch everyone who was still at Josh's. Bivour, Bobby, and I went with Jewel and Heath. We sat in the back seat with Heath while he had a panic attack and a schizophrenic episode all at once. Bivour and me tried to calm him down.

When we got to Heath's house, we finally saw what they did to him. He had Josh's hand prints around his neck and he was covered in bruises, cuts, and scratches. He looked like a bus had hit him. Then Jewel went back over to Josh's and yelled at everyone. Afterwards she had a nervous break down. Heath calmed down after awhile and fell asleep. Bobby watched him as Bivour and I went into Dena's room (you can guess what happened) and then we went to sleep. When we woke up, we checked on him and stayed with him the rest of the day. Heath has never forgiven Josh for that and he will never speak to him again. I asked Shell what happened after we left and apparently everyone got mad at Josh and that was it. That was the downfall for Josh, but it wasn't the end of the matter. Dena blamed the whole thing on Tiffany Rod. She said that Tiffany should have taken Heath home when she was there, which was a few hours before anything had happened.

After all that, things between Tiffany Rod. and I started to go downhill. She started liking Bivour and I was dating him at the time. A little later he told me that he wanted to tone it down to just seeing me, of course this was because he wanted to see Tiffany too. After a week or so I broke it off and nothing ever happened between them. Bivour said it was because she bitched to much. Then things started with Rob. I really liked Rob cause he was funny and nice, he was such a great friend. But things didn't last very long because he became jealous and a little controlling. I wouldn't let him control me so I broke it off. A little later he gave me a note explaining some things and it said that he really loved me. I was very upset, I didn't want to hurt him but I didn't get back together with him. He became one of my best friends, and I learned a lot about him that no one else knows, just the same as I did with Heath. But after a while things went downhill. I never understood why, he just stopped being so nice.

I started going out with Nate after that, I was happy again. He loved me and I loved him. He made me smile and he was great to be around. Things were still hard though because Rob was pissed at him because he thought Nate had stolen me away and they were good friends. After awhile, things settled down and went back to normal. But towards the end, things started to get a little confusing. Nate was starting to act like a real asshole, maybe do to the fact that he was hanging out more with Rob. I don't really know what happened, but he was being really different. I got fed up with it and I broke up with him. He was really depressed after that and it hurt me to see him like that, but he was fighting a losing battle trying to get me back. He was also trying to make me feel guilty, he even made other people mad at me because I broke up with him. Rob also said some bad things like I was a boyfriend hopper and such, even though I was with Nate for five months. I was very upset, because everyone was mad at me again.

During that time a few other things happened as well. I went to see Bon Jovi with Jewel and Shell. Then Nate, Jewel, and I went to a party. Nate and I won a kissing contest (14 min.) through whipping and whip cream. It was fun, but a lot of bad stuff still happened. The rest of my friends were mad at each other and Desarae came out of nowhere, deciding she was going to go to our school. Her first day there she was already hanging all over Kenny. Also this was when things with Tiffany Rod. got worse. Apparently Tiffany Miracle told her that I had told everyone else that she had gotten an abortion. I would never say something like that, besides the fact that I wasn't even at school the day this whole thing supposedly happened. She was pissed and got everyone else mad at me too. They were ready to kill me and the only reason I knew anything about what was going on was because Lauren called me the night before and told me. That ended on a bad note and Tiffany said she would still be my friend but she didn't trust me.

Another bad thing was that a long time friend of mine got into a really bad car accident. Her best friend was killed and she was in really bad shape. It was really sad, I wrote her a 5 page letter on random happy things, I hoped it would cheer her up a little. Also my sister was supposed to return from England soon with Dean. I missed both of them so I was happy to see them again. I also went through driver's training so I could drive. Some other things were that Tiffany M. was dating Josh and Heath was pissed at her for it. Bivour, Tiffany M., and Lauren were in a big argument. I ended up in the middle of both battles, I was ready to just run away from it all. After all that was settled things got back to normal. I started hanging out with Brian and his friends a lot more and I was having fun. I went with Brian when they were trying to make a demo tape for the school talent show, but it didn't quiet work out as well as they had hoped.

Chris and Lloyd

That started a new ordeal. I told Chris Key that I wanted to break up with Nate and then I asked him what Brian thought about me. He in turn told me that he liked me, which caught me off guard. We had a long conversation online and then I let Brian read it because it dealt with him. Then all three of us had a long conversation and Brian said that he only liked me as a friend. I was hurt because I really liked him. Chris asked if there was a chance for him and me, I said I didn't know. Over the next few weeks there was a lot of tension between us and we had a lot of conversations. Things were very confusing and then suddenly Charity, Brian's girlfriend, broke up with him. As Chris put it, it was the perfect time to screw things up again. After that I had another conversation with Brian in which he said he still liked me as just a friend. But then Van came in and told me a few things I wasn't expecting. When I asked Brian about them, he admitted that he really did like me. So soon after we started dating, it was only dating because he didn't know how much he liked me and he wanted to figure everything out. It hurt me a lot to know that this was hurting Chris but I wanted to be happy.

During the third week of dating, I didn't see him a whole lot and it seemed like everyone was avoiding me. It seemed like they were all mad at me, the only one who was actually still around was Chris. I asked Brian how his thinking was coming and he said he was done with it. I already knew his answer though, for awhile I just knew that things wouldn't work out between us. I wanted them too, but I just could see it happening. That day he was a really asshole to me, more so than normal. He was trying to get me mad at him so I wouldn't like him anymore, but in the end I got him to tell me what his answer was. He said, "In truth, I don't want to do this." I said all right that's fine, but I still wanted a reason, he said he just didn't like me that way. I accepted his answer, even if I didn't totally believe it. I felt a lot better afterwards, because the ordeal was over, even though I was still hurt. I didn't feel that badly about it, I had known that would be his answer so it didn't really bother me as much as I thought it would. He was happy that he hadn't hurt me as bad as he thought he would.

When that was over, something else took its place, actually two things. I started going out with Chris, because I had actually fallen for him. And everyone else turned their backs on me. Van, Rob, Josh, and Andrew (not Bivour) started being really mean to me and said that they didn't like me. They said I was being to controlling, although I don't understand how. They never gave me a straight answer about it. They said that I told them that they could and couldn't do things. Well I don't like to control people because I don't like to be controlled so the only thing I did was make suggestions. I don't understand how they could confuse that with being controlling.

Now lets make a big jump from the last thing to now. That jump would be about half a year or so because, surprise, nothing much happened. It was a nice break, but things can't last forever. Cassie and Roy were watching a movie that I wanted to watch so I said I was going to tape it and as soon as I did they got into this giant hissy fit about how they weren't going to watch the last half hour of the movie. So after awhile I gave up and went in my room. I came out later and guess what, their still watching the damn movie! They watched the whole thing! Another thing that month that pissed me off was with my mom. I asked her if I could sell some of my stuff on Ebay, you know things like books/CDs and collectibles. Well she demanded that she be able to see everything I wanted to sell because it costs about a dollar to post an auction and it would be her money, so I said fine. So she comes in and looks at everything and then says basically, "No one would want to buy your junk." That made me feel so great. I knew for a fact that people would want to buy the stuff I had because it was popular on Ebay already.

So I went ahead and sold them anyway and almost everything sold. But after all the auction's were over and I had started to get the money orders, my mom had to open my mail to see what I was getting. She got SOOO pissed when she saw a money order for a collection of my cds, which she claimed were hers. Yet they had been sitting in my room for years and she had said they were junk when I showed her what I wanted to sell. Yet now she was all mad at me and said I was selling her stuff. Made me really mad that she would do that even after she said they were junk.

Chris was getting on my nerves around that time too. I called him one night and he said he would be over in an hour or so and he didn't come over till around 2am! I yelled at him and told him that next time he does that he had better call me. Another time he called me and asked me to make him dinner and that he would be over soon. When I called him to tell him it was ready, he told me he might not even come over! He didn't either, not until well after midnight and by that time I was asleep and the food was very cold.

But the real thing that had been annoying me was my family. I had spent the week at Chris's and I wanted to go home because I missed them. When I get home no one was there so I waited awhile and then Cassie came home, then my parents. They were happy at first, but then my dad starts one of his "You better be earning your way" speeches and then goes down stairs. Then Cassie says she is leaving but before she does she bitches at mom that all her clothes keep disappearing. After that she left and mom started yelling at me! She said it was my fault and that my sister hated me. She actually said, "Do you know how much your sister hates you? When we're dead, you will have to depend on each other." Mind you that I can't even fit into my sisters clothes, they are about 6 times smaller then mine, she is a size 2 or so and I am a size 11. After that she stormed off and I went in my room, very sad. I came home to see them because I missed them and I get yelled at as soon as they walk in the door. Nice family.

College

Now the fun starts, COLLEGE!! I have to say I love college. I get so much freedom there. Planning classes whenever I want, leaving whenever I want...man it's great! My first semester I took a "Get to know College" class and meet some really great people. A lot of them have been in some of my other classes too. While the freedom may be good, it also gets me in trouble. I get home and I don't want to study because "oh its not due till next week". Well trust me, stay on top of things or you'll fall behind. My GPA began to drop and I wasn't really happy with myself. So now I have to work my way back up, which is not easy.

I have to say that things have gotten a lot better at home. The family and I have been getting along good. That doesn't mean no fights, but a lot less. Maybe it is because my sister finally moved out. Well first she moved out to live with her boyfriend and some other friends, and surprise, that didn't work out. So she wanted to move back home, but we had already turned her room into a computer/craft room. What do my parents do? They throw her in my room! This forced me to either sleep on the couch or go over to my boyfriend's house. Naturally, I picked the later. I stayed at his house for almost a year, only going back to my house on the weekends. I didn't want to go into my room a lot of the time because my sister and her boyfriend destroyed it. Trash everywhere, stains on the carpet, dirty clothes everywhere, etc. I like to keep things clean and my room is something I can't stand to be dirty. But of course they didn't care and continued to spill things all over my carpet and furniture. I did not like that situation at all.

I was so happy when I heard they finally bought a house of their own. It took us two weeks to pack up all their stuff, and half the boxes were of my sisters clothes. Then it took me an entire day to clean and dust my room. There was almost an inch of dust on everything! The carpet was covered in stains and there was some nasty goo on my bedside table that would not come off. Needless to say, once I got everything clean, I was extremely happy. I was really glad to have my room back. However I did not move straight home when they left. One reason being college because my boyfriend was my ride. Another reason was the internet. That may sound like a silly reason to some, but it wasn't to me. I had a lot of reasons for having it. One was college, I needed the internet to write papers and register for classes. Another reason was my game, Ulitma Online. I was an important member of the community and had to do many weekly things for them. I needed the internet to do that.

Ultima Online

Ahhh conflict, someone on my shard (server) for Ultima Online didn't like me. Actually more than one person didn't like me there, but that didn't bother me. I had TONS of friends there. This one guy made me laugh so hard as he attempted to make me feel bad. We used to have fun talking in drow on aim, but that all changed one day while playing. *Note I'll try to keep this simple for those who don't play Ultima Online* Me (Sedia), Shen (the one I am talking about), Sora (a close friend), and Sam (another friend) were all sitting at the bank and Sam's horse went wild (meaning he would have to tame it again to ride it). He was not paying attention and didn't go after it right away so Sora went up and tamed it before someone else could. Shen starts talking in all caps, which is like shouting on the internet, something along the lines of "QUICK SOMEONE PAGE THE GMS SORA IS STEALING SAMS HORSE". It was not nice nor was it needed. Sora and I both yelled at him for it and, of course, his response was "it was a joke". Sora said that with the way Sora was roleplayed (rp'd), she did not like being called a thief. Shen responded with "you never rp".

Now before I continue, I must explain my view of him. He is arrogant, full of himself, thinks he is better than everyone else, etc...you get the idea. This is what I have seen from him. He went so far as to say no one was allowed to talk to him if they didn't rp, yet also said that 3/4 don't rp. And that the remaining 1/4 either rp in a way that he does not think is rp or their rp is not up to his standards. So...yeah, I guess that left...himself.

Back to the conflict, he went on the forums and started bashing me, not trying very hard to make it unobvious who he was talking about. Another player and a GM (game master) joined in the fun. I spoke with the head GM and had all the posts deleted. Later that evening, he started yelling at me on aim. He repeatedly threatened me and said things like "I hope you cut your wrists". He also brought up the stuff that I have posted here on my personal webpage. He had no backing to bring it up because I never mentioned the stuff he was talking about on the forums. I never stated my political stance or religion on the forums. He was just looking for things to make fun of me for. He talked about how he hated freedom of speech and how he had others watching our conversation, big deal. I asked him why he was wasting my time because I didn't give a crap if he hated me. He said he was hoping that I would never speak to him again and that he knew I was hurt by his words because he bullied people like me every day. Well that says a lot about him doesn't it?

His favorite subject was what your reading now, my life story. He thought it was hilarious and somehow he got the impression that I lost my virginity to a drunk man...I have no idea where he got that idea, but it made me laugh so hard because he was so far from the truth. He said I was making a spectacle of my life by posting it for all to read. One, this is my personal webpage and I have the right to post whatever I want about myself on here. Two, I could care less who reads this, I am an open person and don't hide things. Three, I don't force people to read it. Of the people who do stumble onto my webpage, a few might read it, and from them an even smaller amount might finish it. I didn't understand him, he says he wishes I would die, yet takes the time to learn about me and read my whole life story more then once. Yes more then once:


He got really angry when he saw I had added to it about his stupidity. I thought it was hilarious as he spat out a bunch of swear words and curses at me over aim. He continued to do that for a couple of weeks afterwards, trying to get me to talk back to him. This coming from a guy who had said he hoped I never spoke to him again...yeah that makes a lot of sense.

Odin, the head GM, and I talked about Shen's actions and he was very unhappy. Shen said he didn't care if he got banned. I say good riddance to bad rubbish! Many others were not happy with him either for his "hollier than thou" attitude. I mean if he hated the shard so much that he wouldn't mind being banned than why not just leave? Later he was banned from Valhalla for breaking the rules and attacking other players. From what I heard he was banned from the shard he played on before he came to Valhalla too. He and his friends tried to say it was justified because they wanted to draw attention to some things they thought were problems. Well they never stated what those problems were and they never paged any of the GMs to talk about these so called problems. The GMs couldn't do anything if they didn't know. Everyone thought they were dumbasses for what they did and I couldn't agree more. I will end with this: unless you are a close friend, your opinion of me does not matter to me. Doesn't mean I wouldn't listen and have conversation's, it just means that if someone I don't really know and trust comes up to me and starts saying they hate me and I should change, I will laugh.

Back to more interesting things, my aunt Karen came to visit before she went off to Iceland to go hiking. I only got to see her for a few hours so I was bummed, she is my favorite relative! Also the semester ended so I moved back into my own room, that was a plus. It was nice to have it actually be quiet! At Chris' house, they have lovebirds that chirp all the time and it was really loud. There is no way possible to sleep when those things are awake. And they are NOT nice birds, they love to bite and bite really hard. I would always chase them off if they came near me so they didn't like me much. There wasn't really any privacy over there either and I value that so coming home was nice. At home, I control the downstairs which is set up like an apartment. I have my own bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, and living room. It's nice.

My grandma, a few days after our visit had to have an operation to get her right foot removed because her diabetes had killed the blood vessels so it was dying. We were trying to wait until my aunt Karen got back but the doctors said we couldn't, my aunt wasn't happy about that. According to my parents, she planned to move back here to take care of my grandma, her mom. I loved the idea of having her here, but I didn't want her to just give up her life in Minnesota. My parents thought it was a great idea because then they wouldn't have to hire anyone to take care of her. It didn't take long for her to move in and things worked out good.

Interestingly enough, my sister and her friends started to make a movie around then and towards the end, my sister asked me to be an extra. It was put off for almost a month because something kept happening. A few people said since the movie was against God and we were trying to meet on a Sunday, it was his way of getting back at us. We finally got it done on a Saturday. Let me say some common knowledge here, running around outside in summer weather wearing three layers of tight black clothing is not funny. Oh well, doing the movie was fun and my sister said they have a lot more planned for the future. She enlisted me as a writer for more movie ideas, cool. Who knows, maybe someday I will be able to offer this films to everyone online.

A little while after that, I ended my relationship with Chris. For many reasons, including him being controlling and way too jealous. I found it funny that most of his friends didn't want us back together or thought we needed the time apart. However, one of his closer friends tried hard to get me to go back out with him. I really didn't want to have a serious relationship right then, not until I found "Jenny" again. Doesn't mean I wasn't dating, I just wasn't having any serious relationships.

In that same week, school started again, so my time was limited because I had class every Tuesday and Thursday. On top of that I had Chris constantly bringing up "us" or "if we get back together" or "can I come over" ... it was a really hectic and somewhat annoying few weeks. But I soon settled down into somewhat of a routine and things got semi-normal again. I made a few new friends and I enjoyed myself a lot more then I used to.