Life
The world through my eyes


A month or so after that, things were surprising good. My new friend, Jon, was turning into someone I really liked and a friend of Chris', nicknamed Winnie, had invited me to join his social group. Jon and I spent a lot of time together and had a blast, but when he moved to Lansing I rarely got to see him. It was alright though, he visited whenever he had time. Matty, a friend in Australia, and I had a very long and intimate conversation about me and some problems that I have had in my life. During that talk I was looking around my computer and found a list I had made in high school about some of the bad things I have had to go through (keep in mind that this is all before senior year in high school):

  • Being teased, made fun of, etc from first grade to now and maybe for the rest of my life.
  • Saving Shell from killing herself hundreds of times.
  • Having to keep Dean, Cassie, Lauren, Jewel, and Brian alive or from killing themselves.
  • Watching my friends and my sister's friends during parties to make sure they lived to see tomorrow.
  • Being harassed by my family about my religion, sexuality, and other choices.
  • Being denied the ability to see Shell because her parents thought all her problems were my fault.
  • Having Cassie want to fist fight me.
  • Losing one of my first best friend's because of a very small disagreement.
  • Watching my friends kill themselves and others in a school shooting.
  • Having a friend want to kill Heath and actually trying to do it.
  • Having my dad tell me that he is going to send me to a foster home, how bad of a daughter I am, and that he doesn't love me every time we argue.
  • Having my family and friends make fun of things I wanted or did.
  • Being used for sex by Heath.
  • Being molested by ---- and ----.
  • Being raped by ----.
  • Having my grandmother die.
  • Having Mr. Argo commit suicide.
  • Having Heath not trust me over someone he knows lies constantly.
  • Having to hide myself from others because I am afraid of being hurt again.
  • Having to be a scapegoat for everyone, even people I don't know.
  • Having Heath yell at me just so he can accuse me of lying.
  • Having my friends blame me for things they know I wouldn't or didn't do.
  • Having my friends use me to get to other people so that in the end I am the one to blame.
  • Being put through extreme emotional abuse by my family and friends just because I don't stand up to their ideas on what I should be.
I'm sure there are things that I forgot to add to that list, but it will do. Reading over it and reading over my life story, I realized that I was really stupid as a teenager. But that's not uncommon, most teenagers get to caught up in that whole he said/she said relationship stuff. The best years of your life my ass, I am glad there over. I have become a little desensitized to everything because of it all.

Enough about that, on to life stuff, which is what this story is all about. Winnie, a friend of Chris', invited me to a Halloween party and it was a blast. I met a lot of new people which is always fun. I guess I made a good impression because I was told that I was always welcome to come over. I also think I made a big impression on Matt Mack, one of the guys that lived in the apartment we went too. He is a cool guy and I enjoyed just laying around on his bed with him on one side and Winnie on the other later that week. We just talked and joked around, it was a lot of fun. Chris was a little unsure about me going though, saying that he thought something bad might happen. He didn't really say it but I am almost certain he was thinking that something sexual would happen between me and someone else at the party.

Driving Test

Later that week I took my drivers test...again. The first time the guy was a total asshole and we learned that he failed almost everyone. For this one mom made an appointment at the same place were Chris had taken his. I did make a few mistakes, who doesn't, but I passed. I was so nervous while taking it and even passing the test didn't bring me down. It was only about two o'clock so we (my dad, Chris, and I) decided to go to the Secretary of State to get my license made. About halfway there, some dumbass truck driver decided to hit my car.

I was waiting for the light to change in a lane that was about a car and a half wide. The truck driver behind me tried to drive up next to my car when the light turned green. I, not knowing that someone would be stupid enough to pull up next to me, moved over a bit while I began to pull forward because I was a little close to the other lane. Because of this my back end hit his front and we had to pull over. I, being high strung from my test, got really upset. The truck driver came over and started yelling at me like it was my fault. My dad and Chris got out and dealt with him while I sat in the car and tried to calm my nerves. He knew it was his fault so he didn't want us to call the police because he would have gotten a ticket. After he left I didn't want to drive at all cause I was still upset. After a few annoyed comments from my father I sat back down in the drivers seat. Not two seconds later my dad started yelling, "Lets go already!", it really made me angry. We decided to go home from there and the whole way there my dad was yelling at me and pointing out every little mistake I made. He even said that I was going to get in another accident just because there was a truck next to us.

When we got home I went in my room and just tried to calm down as my dad continued to yell at me for being a failure as a driver. Then Chris started in saying that, "I lost you once, I don't want to lose you forever", which I took as him meaning that he thought I was such a bad driver that I would end up killing myself. He later told me that I was wrong and he just meant he didn't want me to die in any way...not much of a difference to me. All this over an accident that wasn't even my fault, thanks guys. Its sad that just a few hours before my dad and Chris were telling me how good of a driver I was.

I felt like crap the next few days. My dad was yelling at me and a few other people weren't helping matters any. Then, one Thursday evening, Jon showed up at my door. It had been a month and a day since I last saw him. He had said that he might stop by, but then called to say that a band he managed for really needed him and that he couldn't come over. Then later he called and asked if I would like some company for an hour or so. He was really tired and stressed when he came over so I gave him a really big hug and he relaxed a bit.

At first he said he could only stay for an hour, but he stayed for three. He wanted to stay longer, but he had to drive back to Lansing to go to work in the morning. We laid around on the bed and talked for a bit about random things, then we started talking about what was happening between us and things got a bit sad. Jon was really worried that he might be sent over-seas soon and didn't want me to worry about him, kind of late for that. He kept saying things about how he might not come back and how people can change in two years, yada yada. I told him, no matter what happens, I would be waiting at the airport when he got back. He said I was 'so sweet' and then he had to leave before he passed out from exhaustion.

The next day Grandpa Koch died. It was peaceful and everyone took it well enough. I felt like crap again, I always do when someone close to me dies. I surrounded myself with friends and tried to drown myself in sugar and caffeine at Matt's apartment, but I paid for it later. I was starting to get used to feeling like crap again, but then Matty pulled me out of it. After that, I started having fun again and became friends with some more people, fun.

The next three weeks I spent in my room with little to no physical human contact. It was horrible, at the end I felt like I was going to go crazy. Jon was being rather distant the whole time. Katie was very unhappy with Jon when she heard he went to Florida instead of coming to visit me, but I knew that Jon and I were growing apart. Not that we would forget about each other, just becoming close in a different way. Jon was going through a lot of crap with his other friends then and so he and Poe, his new girlfriend, moved to Florida.

Darin

A little after he left I started chatting with a guy in Canada named Darin. I also started hanging out with a guy at my school named Jason. I loved hanging out with him, he gave the best massages and he was great to just sit around and talk too. One night, while joking around with Darin, I said he should come visit me and a little later he said he was going too. From then on he seemed to think that as soon as he got here I would be his girlfriend, yeah right. I reminded him, very sternly, that he had to "prove" himself before I would do anything like that. Jason and I stopped hanging out when Darin came to visit, mostly because, as Jason put it, he didn't want to get in the way. Darin was already jealous because I would sometimes hang out with Jason instead of talk with him, warning sign number one.

One thing that always bugged me was when he would complain like a baby when I didn't want to be on webcam for him. I don't like people watching me, plain and simple, but nooooo! He couldn't stand not seeing me. We live on different sides of the continent, but he couldn't understand that he can't see me all the time. Of the three months that I was with him, I saw him for about 3 weeks. The first visit was great, it was that period in all relationship where your just starting out and everything is great. Then he went back home for two months or so and then, before he went on a three month training thing, he came to visit for two weeks. That was a bad idea. We spent two weeks in a hotel room getting on each others nerves.

He is, undoubtable, the most egocentric person I know. He couldn't understand anything that was not from his perspective. We went to see Star Wars 3 and, because he had already seen it, he kept poking me and bugging me even after I told him to stop repeatedly. He couldn't understand why I was so mad at him. He was bored so I guess, in his mind, I should have been paying attention to him. After that he just seemed to be trying to push my buttons. I told him not to be so rough with me, but he still bit me hard. I told him not to play with my clothes, but he couldn't stop doing that either. One day I wore a skirt and he kept throwing it up like it was no big deal and then had the nerve to say "well how am I supposed to react when you dress like that?". I was also wearing a thong with a crystal heart on the back and INSTEAD of asking me what it was, he grabbed my shirt and pulled it up, "oh it's a heart" and said that he was curious so he just looked. He also had the balls to say that he didn't ask me what it was because he didn't think I would tell him so he had to find out for himself.

One night, which in my mind basically sealed the deal that this relationship was not going to work, I was playing Dungeon Siege and I was looking at a map for the game while he was on the bed watching tv. He knows full well that I hate people watching me, ESPECIALLY when I am on the computer, and what does he do? He calls out from the bed "what you looking for?", which basically screams that he was watching what I was doing. I yelled at him and he said "I only looked for a second and I saw a map. Dungeon Siege only works this way [insert his oh so complex and correct knowledge of the game....note sarcasm]. So you have to be looking for something.". The correct question, no matter what, is "what are you doing?"! We argued about that everyday afterwards. He could not, for the life of him, see why it bothered me so much. A side note about Dungeon Siege was he had to SEE everything, he said he couldn't stand for me to tell him because I would get it wrong...what the fuck? Trust issue!

His curiosity drove me up the wall. I am perfectly fine with normal curiosity, but he had to touch and know and see and smell and look at ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!!!! Otherwise, he got all pissy and thought I was trying to keep secrets from him. Goddess if he was a cat he would have been dead before he was born. He would follow me everywhere and said it was because he had been alone before and he didn't want to be alone now...bullshit, he just needs to stop playing the victim. "Oh people were mean and lied to me"...so find new people! I can understand being a little apprehensive about starting new relationships, but telling me that you don't trust me at all because other people have lied to you??? This coming from a man who has constantly said to me "I'm not them" when I start talking about what some of my ex's did.

We went to visit the Matt's (Matt Mack and Matt Jones who own an apartment together) one day to fix my computer and he got mad at me for hugging them! He was really mad when I said something along the lines of "yeah I love Matt, he's great". He couldn't understand how hugging and loving your friends was different from hugging and loving him. I couldn't understand how he couldn't tell the difference.

But, of course, it was all Jenny's fault because she took offense to such "small and insignificant things". If he didn't think it was a big deal, he could not, in the slightest, understand why I got so mad about it. But it's all my fault because that's "just the way he is". He couldn't be bothered to change because Jenny was the one getting mad about everything. Not ONCE while he was here did he every tell me to stop doing something or say that I did something that annoyed him or made him angry, save of course me getting mad at him for annoying me. Annoying someone and then yelling at them because they got annoyed makes no sense at all. Heath used to do something like that, he would get me into an argument because he knew how I would react and then he would use it to say I was lying. Not nice and you can go fuck off for doing it.

One more thing that pissed me off, whenever something happened or he didn't get his way then he would have to retreat back into his head and "think about things." He'd say he was mad and that he needed to think about stuff, but he won't tell me what was wrong until he had thought EVERYTHING out in his head and he had come up with an answer. There is no "we" in that process. Arguments are not good, yeah, but not telling the person, letting them be upset because they don't know what they did wrong, and then coming up with a solution that only you have been a part of creating is NOT right! And after he had thought everything out and had a response for everything, I had to sit there and come up with everything on the spot, that is not fair in the least and I did not stand for it.

We talked about me moving in with him in Canada, but yeah that never happened. The last two and a half days here he didn't show me any affection at ALL. At the airport he gave me a hug, a kiss, said bye, and left. While talking to him when he got home, he said he didn't show me affection because he didn't think there was any there...that's really sweet. Showed me how much he cared about me... Needless to say I ended the relationship soon after. He had the balls to say that the reason the relationship ended was because "it was always about you" and that I was "going crazy". What the fuck?!

Party at Casa de Matt

During one of the months that we were together I went to a party at the Matt's apartment. That was a bad night and I was so happy to have so many other friend's there. A guy named Joe was very drunk and basically would not stop touching me. He kept trying to give me hickies and other such stuff, it was really gross. I told him to stop many times, but he didn't listen. I could feel Tricksey getting ready to take over and chew him out before she let Jasper beat the crap out of him. I did my best to stay in control, but him doing that brought back a whole lot of very bad memories. I knew Phoebe was doing her best on damage control, you know stopping the flood gates from opening. Yet after about the 100th time of saying stop, she had had enough and pushed him away as hard as she thought necessary and walked out onto the balcony.

Katie came after me and gave me a bunch of big hug's because she knew what was wrong. I was shaking really bad because Tricksey and Jasper where trying to come out and knock his teeth in. I really didn't want to get blood all over Matt's apartment and Phoebe didn't really want to take care of their mess. Yet, even after that Joe kept trying to touch me and grab me and crap. He even tried to do it to Katie! So I told Matt Mack to keep him away from me and we all started watching a movie. I was sitting, curled up, on Katie's lap and Joe kept reaching over and smacking my butt. Winnie came over and said he had been sent to be a barrier between us (I love you so fucking much Winnie xD). Joe hit my butt again and Winnie yelled at him. After that Matt called me over to curl up on the couch with him which was nice of him. When he got up though, Joe moved over to sit next to me and started fucking touching me again. I felt my fist ball up, but luckily Matt came back and told him to move away.

Katie, Winnie, Matt, and Mark all protected me that night and I could not love them more for it. Matt even talked with Joe the next day and told him off. The next time I saw Joe he said he was sorry for what he did, but that he was to drunk at the time to remember. Not that good of an apology, but I accepted it. I didn't want any bad blood over something that I know was not entirely his fault.

Some other things that happened during that time were that I dyed my hair. It was so awesome, I loved it! It was black on top, purple in the middle, and blue on the bottom. Katie also moved down to West Virginia with her boyfriend Josh, which was not so awesome. I was so very sad that she moved. I felt so lonely and on top of that I almost never got to talk to her afterwards because our schedules didn't match. Something good that happened was that Shell had come home! I was so shocked when she called and said she was home for good. I ran over there and we hung out for hours. We hung out a lot after that, but then her parents grounded her for a month for going to a concert with me and now they think I am a bad influence on her again. Bullshit.

Speaking of the concert, it was VNV Nation and it was a hell of a blast. Me and Shell had so much fun. It's just to bad that it was like 200 degrees in there. They had huge fans set up but they didn't help unless you stood right in front of them. Ah well, the guys [of VNV Nation] were so fun, they made a lot of jokes and everyone had a great time. I couldn't get fully into the fun though as I had a presentation the next day and couldn't lose my voice. To bad.

Love

One night, or rather one early morning, I was listening to three songs that mean a lot to me [Bette Midler - In my life, Chicago - You're the inspiration, Cyndi Lauper - Time after time] and they got me to thinking about three of my most important friends: Katie, Shell, and Matty. I cried that night because I missed Katie so much. There would be no more random late night trips to Friday's or Applebee's just for the hell of it and making the waiters think we are on drugs. I loved doing those things with her, but with her in West Virginia it was rather impossible. Shell, Katie, Matty...three soulmates that I will never part with. They have given me the memories that will stay with me forever. Shell and I swimming in the lake pretending to be mermaids...Katie and I sitting in Friday's making brownie pudding and opening up a nudist colony in the booth...Matty and I talking on ICQ entirely with smileys...Good Times.

I wrote them a message that night:

"Katie, Shell, Matty...you are my light, my guardians, my soulmates, and I could not ask for better people to love. Katie is a star that shines so bright I sometimes need to cover my eyes. Shell has always been there for me and I will always be there for her, bestest best friends forever and always. Matty, will always be gold to me. I could not ask for better friends to love so wholly and completely as I do you three. You three have gotten into my psyche in ways that no one else has and you have left your marks. I just hope that someday I will be able to repay you for everything you have done for me and everything that you mean to me. I can say I love you a billion times over, but there is no way to express the feelings I have for you three. My friends, my family, my soulmates. I will love you unconditionally forever, for as long as my soul is in being. You're the meaning in my life, you're the inspiration...Always."

Matty said he had no idea that he had that much of an effect on me. Katie, in all her style, said "awh hun! *snuggles*" hehe. I would give my life for them in half a heartbeat. Speaking of soulmates, I am back together with another of my soulmates, Chris. I asked him to come out with me for a drive one evening and after that it was kind of destined to happen. I confessed that I loved him and wanted to be with him, but that I didn't think I deserved it. He told me that what I did hurt him so badly that he had had nightmares, but that he had changed for the better because of it. He didn't want to go through that again and I can tell everyone right now that that will never happen as I know now, without a doubt, that I will marry him.

Moving along to a different kind of love, Cassie moved back in. Her and Jeff broke up and she had about six people living in her house that didn't pay any bills and were just big trouble. She moved back home with her new boyfriend, Yoshi [yes he is Japanese], until she could find a new house. I didn't mind to much, but it was a tad annoying now that I had to be quiet when I left in the middle of the night or when I wanted to make some food. It wasn't to bad though, I love hanging out with my sister. Although Shadow was not to happy that Sol, Cassie's cat, was now around. It took awhile but they are ok with each other now.

School started soon after so then I had school, work, and personal work to do along with trying to keep up with all my friends in real life and online. Oh that was so much fun. On top of that I had four classes that semester instead of three which meant the work load was a lot bigger. With gas prices up, money was tighter. Food, gas, school stuff, clothes, personal stuff, doctor's fee's, insurance... mom expected me to pay for all that on about $148 every two weeks...yeah right. I was completely broke the whole time.

Sometime in September, Katie came up for a surprise visit. I was so happy...however Chris was a different story. They had never gotten along because when he first met Katie she was a bitch to him for hurting me. She, truly had nothing against him except for the fact that he was hurting me. But Chris didn't see it that way. I called to ask if he wanted to hang out with Katie, Armaan, and I, but he said no as soon as he heard Katie's name. The comment that hurt the worst was when I said that I wanted them to get along because they were two of the people closest to me and it hurts me in the end if they can't be in the same room together, and Chris' response was "well its mutually exclusive". Basically that means that if I want to hang out with one then I can't hang out with the other and its me who has to choose. It made me sick to my stomach, so much so that I had to say goodbye after a few minutes. I went inside and sat down, trying not to cry. Shadow (my cat) appeared at my side and let me cuddle and cry on him for a few minutes. I let go and thanked him then he walked off, taking some of the hurt with him. He knew something was wrong and he wanted to help, I love him so much!

On a happier note, before Katie went back home, she went to a party at Matt's house with me. Chris came too, which was surprising. I don't know exactly what happened, but by the end of the night they were all cool with each other. It made me so happy that I didn't have to deal with them being mad at each other anymore. That was a good night.

Women's Studies

I went to the first day of my Intro to Women's Studies class after that, I loved it! Not only was the teacher hot and the coolest teacher ever, but it was a great class. Desire', the teacher, would show off her tattoo's in class and she would swear too. She was technically still a student herself, doing her masters or something at Wayne State, so she understood a lot better than some of the older teachers.

In a class later on, we were talking about dating and I thought of some really great examples. She asked our thoughts on a quote about how women compete with each other for men. In the game I play, Ultima Online (an rpg computer game), my character (Rosin) has a cousin (Abby) who in real life is a friend of mine. There is also a character (Sar) who is male and is played by Matty (yes the same one as before). Well in the game, Sar said he would never marry, but later on he said that he really liked my character and was thinking about marrying her. We were all hanging out when he brought up him getting married to my character and Abby got all upset, saying things like she would kill her character off if we got married. At the same time she was talking to him and I over AIM, getting really upset and saying that he should marry her because she had had a crush on him for a long time. In the end, Sar decided not to marry my character because he didn't want Abby to be all upset and angry with us. To cheer things up, Rosin (who can turn into a cat) is now the "kept-woman" of Sar, his eternal companion.

Another example, for something else she brought up, also involves the game. This one has to do with how women are looked at for status or looks and men are looked at for money. Another one of my characters (Sedia) is married to a character named Ral. He is the highest ranked and in all terms (abilities, wealth) the best male in the game. Well I married him because we had role-played the whole "courtship/love" thing and he asked my character to marry him. Then when I was talking with Sar about how he wanted to marry my other character (Rosin), he got upset, saying that I was only pushing the idea because "You've already landed the best guy in the game and now you want to show everyone up by getting the second best". Which was not true at all! Now Ral and Sar hate each other because I later found out that Sar wanted to marry Sedia and did not think Ral was good enough for her in the least. All so confusing and sad that real world bullshit has to creep into a fantasy game where your supposed to have fun.