I Need Help

Making a confession is hard, but I think it’s time to admit something. This doesn’t come without a lot of thought on my part because of all the stigma and negativity attached to saying such a thing, but I truly feel the first step to finding help and getting better is admitting that there is a problem. And, there certainly is one, so here goes.

I would like to sincerely and fully apologize to all of my friends, family, coworkers, authors, and acquaintances for my severe lack of productivity and focus in recent years. What should take me a day, ends up taking three or four; perhaps longer depending on the circumstances. While I have tried my best to stay on target and keep my brain quiet, it refuses to stay still, and I believe it is time to, somehow, get myself tested for Adult ADD.

While I cannot say myself that is for certain what is wrong with me, I know there has been a serious decline in my ability to stay focused and on task as I have gotten older. I feel it has reached the point where something needs to be done about it, or I will never again accomplish anything worthwhile. While I am organized on the surface, my mind is scattered and often lost. While I plan and outline, things rarely get finished. I’ve already been distracted several times from finishing this post. It should have been done in ten minutes, but here I am – almost an hour later – still trying to wrap it up.

I am sorry for any frustration I may have caused, and I am profoundly aware that many may see this as simply a lack of responsibility and work ethic. Just the same as how my mother or my boss may feel when they say the cold hurts them and people do not believe it, being seen as lazy and dilatory hurts me. Being unable to follow through on things in the times I set for myself has caused my self-worth and esteem to be drastically reduced, and I know it plays heavily on my depression and anxiety as well – which only makes everything worse.

I have tried to implement measures that are said to help in the past, but I’ve found it very difficult to stick with routines and goals, especially new ones, hence why this has become such a burden for myself and those around me. But, I’m going to try again, and I am going to keep trying. Yet, as I have no insurance, and so cannot afford any medical prescriptions, I can only do so much on my own. While I cannot ask for everyone around me to adjust their lives to mine, I am¬†immeasurably appreciative of any support and understanding sent my way.

I am not one of those people who can change on their own simply because they want too. If I was, I would have already accomplished so much in my life it would be ridiculous. So, please be patient with me, but also push me (in a positive way, of course). I’m asking for help, something that is odd for me as I am usually the one volunteering. This is new and unstable ground for me; I’m in a fragile state admitting to this and knowing that some might view me as just looking for sympathy for my lazy ways, and all I can do is try and assure that I’m most certainly not. I hope that this will help the people around me understand me a little better, and I hope that the future is a far brighter and more productive one. Thank you.

I’ll keep everyone posted.

 

PS. I am completely aware that this confession coming just after my completion of NaNo might seem a bit dubious to some, but let me explain something. Writing gets many of the distractions out of my head. It’s an outlet, just like art therapy or meditation is to others. The thousands upon thousands upon thousands of words I have written over the years are, to me, a testament to just how full and chaotic my brain really is. The fact that almost none of those projects have ever been finished is, I feel, also a testament to what I talked about above. Kindly do not judge just what you see on the surface, I assure you there is an entire world spinning around just below.

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