This week’s colors for the Twisted Color Challenge brought back a lot of memories because they are very similar to the colors of my high school, which was not a pleasant time for me. I was on the receiving end of many a bully, faced terrible arguments with friends who I now understand were never friends to begin with, and dealt with many other issues that I don’t even want to remind myself of. Yet, I cannot write off the whole experience as ‘something I wish I could forget’ because it’s the same time period in which I started to discover the things that would later become such a part of me that they almost define me. My mother liked to call them “phases” but they weren’t; my personality just happens to work in such a way that it only seems like I’m ‘going through a phase.’ When I first get into something I do it heavily, almost to the point of excluding everything else, and then that initial interest slowly fades and everything evens outs; but whatever it was still remains a part of me. The people around me saw the decline of this initial interest as me coming out of my “phase” without even noticing that nothing had really changed inside my mind and my heart.

An example of this is how I took up Wicca while I was in high school and was very adamant about wearing my pentacle necklace every day. I never hide my faith or my necklace which, as you can imagine, meant stupid comments like “oh, are you gonna cast a spell on me if I call you ugly?” were heard daily (but if I made a comment about it being the same as wearing a cross to display faith, oh no… that was crossing the line). My initial interest in Wicca eventually lead into my becoming Pagan, a faith that is so much a part of me I don’t feel the need anymore to wear my religion around my neck as it were. I also took up a gothic mentality during that time and wore lots of black clothes. Realizing after awhile that the clothes/music/whatever don’t make me a goth – my mindset does-, I stopped with the all black attire but that didn’t stop the comments of “hey Elvira!” I still prefer the darker colors to this day but that has nothing to do with my identity as a gothic woman.

One last example of my high school exploration of myself is that it was also the time I decided I was no longer heterosexual. I became bisexual, told my mother -who again dismissed it as a phase- and even had my first girlfriend in high school (neither of us concealed our relationship). Every ride home on the bus featured jeers and demands that we kiss each other ’cause it’s hot.’ As it turns out, it was a phase for her (which I am fine with, to each their own), and we went our separate ways a few months later. Since I got involved with a guy rather than another girl afterwards, everyone thought “oh, that phase is over” but I think the fact that I declare myself today to be an asexual pan-ployromantic polyamorist proves otherwise. Yes, high school certainly played a roll in creating who I am today, despite all the bullying and hardship that occurred. And yet…

My experiences were no where near as bad as some of the things I hear about today. I have only ever been the victim of cyberbulling three times in my life (all connected with the game Ultima Online strangely) and each time was while I was in college -a time when I had already learned to say ‘fuck you’ to bullies- so at that point it only made me laugh:

1. One player tried to bully me into giving them a lot of in-game currency – I had thought he was an alright guy (we weren’t close though) until I refused by saying “I simply don’t give out gold, I’m sorry” and he proceeded to call me selfish for not helping “a friend” and said that everyone thought I was “bitchy” but he hadn’t believed it until then (among other things). The whole time while still asking for the currency…
2. Someone took the real life picture of a friend of mine (who also played) and posted it on the game message boards on a cartoon image of someone having sex with Chef from South Park with the caption that read something like (I forget the exact words) “That’s Sedia’s man screwing around on her.” Sedia is me and my friends and I could never figure out if the person who posted it was referring to my real life boyfriend or someone in the game they thought Sedia was with. It was only up for all of five minutes, since the moderates of the boards were great at their jobs, and I didn’t actually got to see it until my friend (whose image was used) sent me a screenshot. Those involved were informed who had posted it (even though they had tried to hid under another screen name) but it did not come as a shock to any of us since the one who had posted it had long been a thorn in everyone’s sides.
3. Those two were just a lead up to the real attack though and honestly, to this day, I have no idea if they were all connected somehow (I have suspicions though). A couple weeks after a new player started playing, he began getting into trouble with everyone he ran into – including those in charge. I made one silly joke about something he did and I began to receive IM’s outside of the game saying I should “kill myself” (among other, equally as nasty, comments). He even read the entire blog I had at the time in order to try and find things he thought would hurt me (it was ridiculous the lengths he went to just to try and get me to feel mad). At first I told him that his little attempts to make me cry were only making me laugh, but then I got bored of the constant IM’s and just blocked him. I later found out that he had been banned from many other places for similar behavior.

I’ve always been a strong willed person; I have suffered with major depression for many years now but have never been suicidal. But if I would of had to face an onslaught like those I have seen recently, along with the in-person bullying and everything else that was going on during my high school years? I honestly don’t know if I would be here. I, the strong willed and patient, still have my limits. It completely sickens me to know what many in our younger generation have turned into. I know that bullying in school, at work, and just in general has been going on for ages, but these days…  Truly, many in this new generation of people who have been bullied are stronger than I. Not everyone makes it though, and it saddens me to know that movies like Bully have to be made just to try and get through to people; that we as a society have seemingly forgotten such behavior is hurtful and can lead to tragic consequences.

I could go on about this or that being the cause but that’s not the point of this blog post. This post is only here to share a small piece of my history and to empathize with anyone and everyone who is currently or has ever been bullied. Staying quiet solves nothing. I choose to share my experiences, to take the power away from the bullies, and fight for those who -for whatever reason- cannot fight for themselves. Anyone who feels alone, like they have no one to talk to, talk to me. Give me the honor of being your friend. Don’t ever think you’re alone. I’m with you and I always will be.

My week 5 “Lilac Suede” entry for the Twisted Color Challenge. I wanted to keep the message simple for this so there isn’t any great background stuff going on here, just an inside look into the painfulness of bullycide. Also, the “lilac” is in the eyes (and a little in the skin, around the eyes), but I decided to have the eyes closed because I felt it worked better with the image. So you get an extra picture this week 😛

Wearing:
Shape: Nova by -*delogikal*- – 100L
Skin: *JeSyLiLO*:::LimitedBazaar:::*LightSkin*3 – Old gift
Eyes: [ROCKBERRY] Eyes/Lilac/Small – 20L
Hair: A&A Fianna Hair Goldbrown – 1L
Dress: {simply magik} Handkerchief Dress Green – Old hunt gift
Shoes: [IHS] Bows Bows Distressed Black – Freebie
Glasses: o.Bare School Teacher Glasses – Old hunt gift, part of outfit now 125L
Bracelets: *JD*BRACELETS INKA green – Unknown, can’t figure out where I got them sorry 😛
Facelight: ::Loa:: Face light White (Gift) – Freebie
Laptop/Pillow/Pose: {Isis} Suicide Awareness – Internet/Laptop – Old hunt gift
2nd Pose: The Ultimative Frontpose Nr.4 – Freebie
Image behind me: Art work entitled “Dead Brick Road” which will soon be available, along with others, from -*delogikal*-
Backdrop: KaTink – Free photo studio backdrop (just add your textures!) – Old freebie
Location: My Home